Forgiving and Free
October 28th, 2007 by Janis
by Katie Larson
“Forgive and forget.” We’ve all heard this cliché dozens of times. To me, it’s always seemed like the ideal way to deal with hurt: forgive the other person and forget that it happened.
But in his sermon “The Landmine of Unforgiveness,” Dr. Stanley said something I’d never heard before. He explained that while we may never forget the hurt that was done to us, forgiving the offense is crucial. The difference comes in how we remember. If we recall, with bitterness and anger, a time when someone wronged us, then we’ve never really forgiven the person who hurt us. But if we’re able to look back at a situation and remember it without pain and resentment, then we’ve truly forgiven them.
Sometimes this is easy. The offense is small or unintentional and easily pardoned. We don’t have any trouble letting go of the hurt and often forget the offense ever happened. But there are times when forgiveness is hard. Perhaps you are unfairly fired or your spouse abandons you. Maybe a friend gossips about you, and your reputation is ruined. In situations such as these, you feel devastated, and forgiveness seems impossible. As a believer, how should you respond to such painful offenses?
The world says revenge is the answer: “It’ll make you feel better,” and “It’s what they deserve.” But God says, “Vengeance is Mine, and retribution, In due time their foot will slip; For the day of their calamity is near” (Deut. 32:35). Revenge brings only temporary relief. Besides that, it’s not our role to pursue it; we forfeited that right when we accepted Jesus. A believer’s only answer is forgiveness. If we withhold it, we will become bitter and critical, and bitterness eventually poisons our relationships with friends, with family, and with God. We become trapped in a prison built by our own resentment.
I found myself in that prison after being deeply hurt and betrayed by a close friend. As our five-year friendship unraveled, he blamed me for the entire conflict. My hurt deepened and my anger hardened towards him. I distinctly remember remarking to another friend, “I don’t care if I see or hear from him ever again.” I was content to stay bitter and angry with him forever.
But the effects of unforgiveness on my life were nearly as devastating as my friend’s betrayal. Initially, I didn’t notice because I was too wrapped up in hurt. But the weeds of bitterness began to choke out my wonderful life. I grew angry and cynical. I doubted my decisions and those of others around me. Worst of all, I became complacent in my relationship with God.
By refusing to forgive, I was denying the forgiveness that was given to me on the cross. As Dr. Stanley said in this week’s message, Christ’s death was the atonement for any sin we would ever commit; it is the ultimate forgiveness. In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus said, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” By refusing to forgive my friend, I was preventing myself from enjoying the gift of forgiveness Christ won for me at the cross.
There came a day when I realized that not forgiving my friend was hurting me far more than it was hurting him. With a lot of prayer and help from a small group of strong Christian friends, I began to work through my unforgiveness. My friends continually reminded me to let go of my grudge. As I’ve relinquished my grip on the anger and pain, my relationship with the friend who hurt me has been rekindled. I’m not yet completely free of hostility and resentment; it still “stings” to think about that phase in our friendship. But at least I’m on the right path now, following the example of the One who gave us ultimate forgiveness.
Is unforgiveness affecting your relationship with God? Ask Him to help you forgive whatever wrong has been done to you. Talk with Christian friends, and ask them to help you release the negative feelings you’re holding. As soon as you begin to forgive, the walls of resentment and hurt will start to crumble. With God’s help, they’ll fall completely. The shackles of pain and anger will no longer bind you, and you will be completely free!
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